I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
