yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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