i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize