we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
