I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
