In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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