The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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