I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
