I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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