Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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