Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
