apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
