You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
try to milk me bitch
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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