i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
