i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
