a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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