did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
