i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize