Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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