He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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