Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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