Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize