Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
