Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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