I am midnight drunk by noon
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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