Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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