there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
it was like eating out sand paper
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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