If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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