If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
birth control should be required to get into college
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Drunk is not a location!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
