now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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