Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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