I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
