I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
