she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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