You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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