First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Ketchup is God's man juice
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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