yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I puked a lego.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I wish you could order shots online.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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