weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
