you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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