Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
