I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
