I just pynch a tree in the face
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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