Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
