oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
