I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
and i looked up. we had an audience...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
