I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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