I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
