I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
