I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize