new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
