it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i dont even know how to be here
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
