Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
