I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
