The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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