once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
