I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
