nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
