I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize