I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
