She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
