when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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